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Transfer Deadline Day & The Devolution of Humanity

"Charlotte, I'm getting breaking news. Hold the press. We need to head over to The Britannia where I'm hearing that Eidur Gudjohnsen has signed a six month deal with Stoke City" Jim White declares as his yellow tie glistens like a cheap Christmas Tree before the camera pans to Bryan Swanson. His cheeks puffed like a chipmunk Brian manages to mask his fear with a wry smile as the Orcs surrounding him yell "WHEEEYYY". A pink dildo enters from the side of the television screen and stabs his ear, undeterred, Bryan keeps his composure. This is Transfer Deadline Day after all. There are only two a year and these are the two most important days of the football calendar.

jim white natalie sawyer transfer deadline day jim white's yellow tie purple dildo

"That's right Jim, Eidur Gudjohnsen has signed for Stoke City. It's official." The orcs go wild. This is bigger than promotion, bigger than when they got to the FA Cup final. They've only gone and signed Eidur Gudjohnsen. Bryan is smothered, he is ripped limb from limb. His arms devoured in a mass demonstration of cannibalism. The camera returns to Jim White in the studio.

"Thanks Bryan."

Arsenal seem to have completed their January business with the signing of Gabriel from Villarreal in a cash+player loan deal, or at least that is what Wenger has said. I don't know much about the twenty four year old Brazilian but judging by his appearance he doesn't care for what people think about his hair given it makes him look like Cletus from The Simpsons.

cletus from the simpsons looks like gabriel paulistagabriel paulista has the same haircut looks like cletus from the simpsons

He plays centre back, which is a position Arsenal very much needed strengthening in. His record, or rather Villarreal's defensive record is very good this season and they are currently in a seventeen game unbeaten streak. That's all brilliant. I'm willing to support him and give him more than his fair chance given The Arsenal scouting network and in particular, Arsene Wenger, know a lot more about football than I do. See Patrick Vieira, Thierry Henry, Freddie Ljungberg etc for evidence of this.

The emergence of The Coq has stiffened up our midfield probably putting an end to our search for a defensive midfielder, or at least on hold for now. Bielik, the seventeen year old from Poland, has given us further options in the midfield area as Wenger has hinted he could be involved once fit. We may have one more signing in the pipeline but it would be a lot more surprising than us not signing anyone at all now in my opinion.

And yet, on Transfer Deadline Day morning as you log into social media, I'd bet very good money you'll see the following joke more times than Liverpool fans have said "this is our year."

"It's Transfer Deadline Day today, or as Arsenal fans call it; Monday."

I hate Transfer Deadline Day. It is another reason that gives evidence to the devolution of human society. The X Factor adds to that. Hollyoaks as well. But the fact that there are grown men out there who book days off work for "Jim White Day" makes me despair. What is wrong with these people!?

There is nothing wrong with being excited when your club makes a big signing. There is something wrong with buying twenty four cans of Calsberg Export and sitting in your living room with your mate Steve watching Jim White's tyrannical yelps as Celtic sign John Guidetti.

There is something wrong with getting all your mates together on your day off to go stand next to a TV reporter as he tells you your club has signed Niko Krancjar. These people are a waste of valuable oxygen and I believe they should be discussed more seriously. Maybe as part of a government mental health program or something.

scummy tottenham fans transfer deadline day

Clubs complete signings on deadline day because they have just spent the last few weeks negotiating. Trying to get the best price for the player they want/are selling. A merry go round ensues sometimes as one club sells one player and this means another player is now available. Sometimes, a big move happens as part of this being the natural order of business. A Mesut Ozil, for example. I was as excited by the signing of Ozil as I would've been with or without Jim White, his yellow tie or a running totaliser of money spent so far in the window.

dr evil yen austin powers

Truth is, Arsenal may do some business. They may not. We're not, not doing business though just because we are Arsenal. Reyes, Arshavin, Ozil and Welbeck are but to name a few who have signed on the last day of the transfer window.

Going into this season with only three centre backs was obviously a mistake but which centre backs actually moved over the course of last summer that would have really improved upon Mertesacker and Koscielny? When Vermaelen left Wenger said he would buy a centre back. He didn't but I have no doubt in my mind he tried.

Sometimes the deals and the players just aren't out there. We can say "chuck money at them" (I've been guilty of that before) but Arsenal is, like it or not, a very well run business. We aren't Chelsea or Manchester City whereby money is simply no object. We can all sit around and bitch and moan about what we shoulda coulda woulda signed but hardly any of us actually have a clue what is really going on.

We are lucky that for probably the first time in a long time Arsenal are well stocked in every position after the signing of Gabriel. So there is no need to join the mad raving lunatics, who keep telling their bored wives to "SHHHH" as 'Arry Redknapp leans out of his car window tells us all how glad he is to have signed Peter Crouch on a one year deal.

"He's a triffic player."

Shut up Twitchy, and shut up Jim White you yellow tie wearing buffoon.

Enjoy Monday. It really is just another day.

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Tags: Arsene Wenger, Arsenal, Mertesacker, Koscielny, Transfer Window, Gabriel Paulista, Transfer Deadline Day, Jim White, Redknapp Car Window

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