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Arsenal's New Medical Procedure

Howdi y'all, I join you in the wake of the worst defeat of our preseason so far, especially given that Alexi Lalas was one of the commentators over in America-land, and he's essentially an American Nicklas Bendtner. Some might say that it's the first defeat of our preseason, but I would beg to differ. In my mind, every game in which Sanchez doesn't play right now is a defeat. I just want to see those chubby little hamster-like cheeks drifting around the field like a hamster than can drift around fields.

But yeah, the game was boring, and that isn't something I expected to say. However, given we showed up with Rosicky as our striker and a winger duo of Cazorla and Zelalelelelalalelelalelalem, we were never going to cause any real excitement.

Zelalelelelalalelelalelalem looked okay, which is probably good for a 17 year old with no first-team match experience. Players like him often get overhyped, and keeping him as a bit of a club secret would benefit everyone right now. I don't expect him to feature much, if at all, this year, but maybe next season he'll play a more prominent role.

I thought Jack played a lot better than usual, and I hope it's a sign of better times ahead for the chain smoker. Another player who caught my sexy, soul-piercing eye was Mr. Abou Diaby, mainly because he managed what I believe was an entire half of walking pace football without writhing around on the floor grabbing whatever ligament hurts more than usual. He also played well for a man who's had his muscles ripped to shreds after climbing the stairs with too much vigour.

If we get twenty games out of him this season, that can only be viewed as a success. He definitely has the ability to have a massive influence in our campaign, so fingers crossed he doesn't have to become too familiar with new fitness coach Shad Forsythe.

I do have high expectations for that man. I know I usually don't like people getting their hopes up or setting the bar too high, but if we get an injury lasting over two weeks I'm going to phone up Arsenal and file a complaint about their new recruit. Hopefully, I won't have to do that, and he'll give us the German touch of magic that seems to be working so well for us at the moment.

In transfer news, right back Calum Chambers is apparently close to signing for us for somewhere in the region of £12 million. I've only seen him play a couple of times, so I don't think I'm fit to make any judgement about the guy, but from what I've heard from Southampton supporters he's a top talent.

It's a bit of a confusing one, as we'll have four capable right backs if he joins, but I'm sure there's a good reason for it. Chambers can supposedly play in the centre of defense and midfield as well, and maybe Wenger sees either Jenkinson or Bellerin in a different role than where they currently play. Either way, the kid seems like a top talent, and top talent is what we need right now. The more the merrier, I say. Just maybe no more right backs.

David Ospina still hadn't been officially announced on our end at the time of writing, but the nice men over at Nice have informed the world of his sale to Arsenal. I hope the reason for the delayed announcement is because we've changed our medicals to include such grueling tasks as; climbing Mount Everest, coming back down and then being told a Sherpa left his iPhone up there and they're going to have to return to the peak, surviving a zombie apocalypse where all of the zombies look like Wayne Rooney, fighting off a herd of mutant rabid squirrels with nothing but a spork, and running a marathon while being forced to listen to Michael Owen enlighten us with his exciting, insightful, and maybe even groundbreaking analysis. If the player returns without a scratch, sign him up. If not, there's no way he'll survive a season with us without picking up a knock.

That said, I also wouldn't mind speeding things up a little bit. It's been over a week since we announced a signing and I'm having transfer withdrawal symptoms. I haven't yet resorted to believing something that Caught Offside write, but I'm slowly getting there. If we don't sign someone by next Sunday I might have already gone as low as Goal.com.

I think everybody's reacting a little bit differently to this transfer drought, as some Twitter people seem to be getting their hopes up on Paul Pogba joining Arsenal. It's obviously never going to happen, and he's not even a defensive midfielder as some people strangely seem to think. I do believe we will sign a holding player at some point, but I'm not sure of what quality or of what price. However, I'm fairly certain we won't spend £50 million on one, so settle down.

This bit of news is hardly worth mentioning, but Chelsea signed Didier Drogba. Be prepared for another season of a man that pretends to be hard going down as quickly and easily as T*ttenham's trophy hopes every year. To those imbeciles comparing this twat to the living legend that is Thierry Henry, maybe you should find another sport to contaminate with your idiocy and ignorance.

Anyway, you didn't come here to read a miserable bastard rant about them lot. I apologise for that.

Between now and the next time I write, I'll be dreaming of Alexis scoring fifty goals in the Emirates Cup. I suggest you do the same.

Have a wonderful remainder of the weekend.

P.S. I'm not a betting man, but if I were, I'd put my money on Arsenal getting Källström on deadline day again. Heard it here first.

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Tags: Arsenal FC, Goonersphere, Arsenal Football Club, Ospina, Chambers, Shad Forsythe

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