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Arsenal Are Like A Soggy Sandwich

The other day, I made myself a sandwich. It was the most frustrating thing I have ever made.

This sandwich, or at least the process of making it, was f*cking annoying. For 71 minutes, I fumbled the bread in my hands like a masochist playing a game of hot potato. It was at the 71 minute mark that I dropped both slices on the ground, and in the same motion somehow stepped on them and flattened them into what were essentially tissues. These were the only two slices of bread left in the packet, and I knew charities would be rioting outside my door if I let them go to waste. I had to retrieve them.

However, once I picked the slices up, the fumbling resumed. The bread continued to be bobbled about between my hands, until luck took over in the 89th minute.

Just as I remembered that I had somewhere to be in just a few minutes, my right hand had a bit of a spasm, launching one of the slices/wafers into the air. It somehow managed to land perfectly on the counter, meaning I now had two hands to deal with the remaining piece of flattened bread. I was able to gently place it down and nestle it right next to its friend with a surprising level of precision, and finally the first stage was done.

But I wasn't happy with the prospect of just eating two squashed, slightly dirty slices of bread. I may as well just eat nothing at all.

For this reason, I continued. Now with an actual understanding of what I was meant to do, I sprinted to the fridge and removed a packet of turkey. I don't normally like turkey, but I didn't care. It was something, and at that point, I think I would've taken anything.

I rushed back to the counter, slapped some meat on my bread pancakes, and slammed the sandwich shut before my mind had time to process what just went down.

It was one of the worst-tasting sandwiches I have ever eaten in my entire life. However, it was indeed still a sandwich, so I couldn't really complain.

The similarities between this experience and the game against Anderlecht on Wednesday are quite remarkable. In fact, they're so similar, it almost seems as if I made up the whole sandwich dilemma simply to act as a really sh!t analogy of that game. However, I can fully assure you that this actually happened. Thank you for your interest in my affairs.

The game, although we won, was disgustingly bad. We didn't deserve the victory in any way, and while some will surely claim that it was our "mental strength" that saw us pick up the three points, it was quite clearly sheer luck.

I don't really want to go too in depth about the game, as it was basically the same story we've heard all season. We're nowhere near our best. That's about it.

Monreal continues to give me heart attacks, leaving Emiliano Martinez more exposed in 90 minutes than Jennifer Lawrence has been in the past two months. I would complain again about not having defensive cover, but everything to say has already been said. These problems won't get fixed until the club pull their fists out of their arses in January.

Alexis keeps making me wonder how the hell we got him for the price we did. He was just sublime against Hull, and even in games where he's not at his best, his effort is always a refreshing sight. Where would we be without him?

However, even Alexis isn't enough to make us play well, apparently. This is the worst run of performances I have seen in a very, very long time, and it's nothing short of disheartening. If we don't step it up soon, our regular spot in the top four will be in jeopardy. I don't even want to imagine what will happen in the event of a mid-table finish. It's an ugly thought.

How will we step it up? Who knows. In order to figure that out, you first have to understand the problem, but I'm not sure anyone really does. I mean, injuries are obviously contributing to the horrendous form, but even so, we should be playing better with the players we have available. I think the best thing right now is for everyone at the club to look in a mirror and ask themselves whether they're really doing all that they can to help the team perform at their highest.

Looking ahead, we'll be facing Sunderland on Saturday at the Stadium of Light. I have a feeling our opponents will give it all they've got to make up for last week's 8-0 hammering, especially in front of their own fans. This one might be more difficult than a lot of fans expect.

In injury news, Walcott, Gnabry, and Sanogo are all approaching full fitness, but Wenger revealed that Ospina will be out for a couple of months. Another one bites the dust. Hopefully the return of Theo will also bring the return of good form. Let's hope so.

Anyway, here's to a good game. Please, for the love of Dennis Bergkamp, don't f*ck it up Arsenal. Please.

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Tags: Alexis, Sandwiches

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