Alternative End Of Season Awards
With “F.A. Cup basking week” at an end, we here at Goonersphere thought it would be a good time to cut a backwards glance at the season that was; the highs, the lows, the hilarity and the boiled piss. Never forget the boiled piss, the fumes from which, once inhaled, foster bonds that last a lifetime. (Legal ed: Goonersphere bears no responsibility for readers that literally inhale the fumes of urine, be it boiled or otherwise, or any resultant injuries or afflictions, be they physical or mental, caused by sustained inhalation of steaming hot piss).
So without further ado, Tim Stillman has compiled an alternative Arsenal end of season awards for your reading pleasure. So grab your best tux and dicky bow and prepare to practice your most magnanimous, “sincere congratulations to that fucker, I’m so happy for him” expression.
The Richard Keys award for banter
Not satisfied with a pair of amateurish errors, costing his team precious points at Southampton, Arsenal goalie Wojciech Szczesny furthered the Sunday league theme by consoling himself with a dressing room snout. Because where better to hide the smell and sight of billowing fag smoke than an athlete’s dressing room in a 21st century football stadium? Leaving aside the piffling fact that it’s illegal to smoke inside a football stadium, Szczesny’s brain cells must have taken a leave of absence if he thought he could conceal the whiff of tobacco within the hotbox of a steamy shower.
Even if one is to cast aside the disciplinary issues this act invited, logistically speaking, the shower is the worst place I could think of to indulge in a crafty smoke. If you were designing a contraption with the purpose of cigarillo extinguishment in mind, a shower head that pumps out a constant stream of WATER would be a pretty effective model to follow. Either Szczesny was stupid enough to think he would get away with it, or arrogant enough not to care. (Why did he even have cigarettes on his person in the dressing room in the first place?) He was dealt the ultimate punishment, losing his place in the side and compromising his Arsenal future. The wazzock. Top banter though, it must be said.
The ‘GREAT CORNHOLIO’ fashion award
This Arsenal squad is an undoubtedly handsome bunch and they all look jolly smashing in their match day suits. But Laurent Koscielny’s tasteful “jersey pulled up forcibly over my head” look during the Cup Final had heads turning in what seemed to be an unintentional nod to Beavis. ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
The Graham Poll “You fucking idiot” award for ‘interesting’ refereeing
In the dying embers of Arsenal’s 2-1 win over Leicester in February, Foxes keeper Mark Schwarzer gathers up the ball in stoppage time. In an understandable hurry given his team’s one goal deficit, the Australian thrusts the ball out of his hands and onto his boot. In his haste, he fails to get the required elevation and the ball hits an unsuspecting Olivier Giroud, standing around ten yards away, square on the bonce. Referee Mike Jones pulls the game back and books Olivier Giroud, causing 50 odd thousand punters to scream “WHAT?!” in dismayed unison.
The WWE crossover award
Staged at ground zero for the “he’s not that type of player” challenge, Stoke’s Charlie Adam is by no means the only Premier League player that has struggled to tackle Alexis Sanchez this season. So Adam decided to adopt some rather niche tactics, grabbing the Chilean by the neck and throttling him in a chokehold until the ball dribbled out of play. Referee Anthony Taylor signalled for a goal kick, earning him a dishonourable mention in the “you fucking idiot” category above. For a true insight into the chutzpah of the “tackle” just look at the faces of the people in the front row. If a Stoke fan is standing visibly aghast, there’s a good chance that your challenge may have crossed the boundary into straight up WWE.
Goal of the season
The honorary “Jose Mourinho” Bellend of the season award
Not strictly Arsenal related, but is anyone actually sad to see Sepp Blatter’s empire of deceit crumble? (With the exception of those whose pockets are a little lighter as a result.) Blatter’s fiefdom had become so sure of itself that it scarcely even bothered to try and hide its nefariousness. Its greed had been consuming and its motives as naked as they were ugly. There is a great deal of work ahead to restore the reputation and the practices of the organisation and there seems little optimism that the new boss won’t be the same as the old. But football is collectively celebrating the downfall of its figurehead, righteously tucking into steaming hot schadenfreude hors d'oeuvres as we do. Good riddance Sepp, you bellend.
Tags: Wenger, Mourinho, Ospina, Alexis, Welbeck, End of season, Awards, Richard Keys Banter